Jon Gosselin Meets Craigslist

Cindylou: Nicely shaved, but oddly withered. Maybe you should not shave, like a man with no chin should have a beard.

Lisa: That is the skinniest pecker I've ever seen. Wonder if his ex girlfriends refer to him as "pencil dick"?

Edwina: The art of the 'drop shadow' for an enlarging effect.

Doc: Looks like he might hang weights on it to make it longer - too bad that doesn't help the girth at all.

Dawn: I admire a guy with so much confidence that he puts THIS out there for the world to see. But not so much that I would fuck him.

Cindylou: Look it's deflated, quick bring in the pump, maybe we can save it!!

Schnapps: And the point of this is...?

Lisa: If men had dogs that resemble their penises this guy would have one of those Chinese Shar Peis.

Edwina: It looks like its trying to escape.

Doc: It just looks so...soo...squishy - like a damp sock you just pulled from the washer.

Dawn: Once again proving that a man needs to woo a woman with something more than penal appearance - cause this looks like a loaf old french bread that has been rained on and pecked at by crows.

Cindylou: I hope that torchiere light does not set fire to the ?curtain? hanging there

Schnapps: Look! Its the Pillsbury Doughboy!

Lisa: Well Cindylou, if that torchiere does set fire to the room one thing's fer sure. We're gonna have ourselves a weenie roast!

Doc: Is he trying to show off that shadow of a 6-pack or the baby shit green walls?

Dawn: Good job getting the unicolor sectional sofa in the divorce Chuck.

Cindylou: Dorm room? and the prescription bottle in the background is not building any confidence in me.

Lisa: I think the bottle in the background is part of the ploy. He's appealing to girls who like the legal drugs.

Doc: So is he trying to say he'll put something in your drink then date rape your unconscious body while he sings "Today's Tom Sawyer?"

Dawn: RUSH??? A RUSH poster? I am confused. Plus now all I can think of his having this guy all sweaty and heaving on top of me and looking up at that poster. {Shudder}

Cindylou: NSM (naked single male) seeking woman with furniture and drapes

Schnapps: As he contemplated the view before him, he couldn't help but think: I really should have gotten some blinds for this; they can probably see me in that car down there.

Lisa: Ohhh. Headless, naked guy in pensive pose. That's ALWAYS a winner on Craigslist.

Doc: What Not To Wear: House Hunters Edition.

Dawn: "Is that my dignity down there?"

We can't believe its not butter

Cindylou: Jeez if you are going to take this kind of photo, take your pants off already!!

Lisa: You've always got to wonder about these guys as lovers. If they are too lazy to take off their pants? When they're TRYING to make a good first impression? Methinks they are seriously lazy in many other departments.

SW: Please tell me he used the timer on his camera and didn't make some unfortunate person looking for a quick $10 take that pic....

Dawn: Yeah, I totally feel like he is sliding right off the chair. Must be all the butter in his ass.

Euro Boy: it is good that he supports it delicately by the base as his whole hand would surely have obscured the poor penis from view.

Cindylou: If my shower was that skanky I would wear shoes too

Schnapps: "Just a little to the left..."

SW: If my shower were that skanky, I wouldn't use it.

Dawn: Geesh, you'd think that running water would wash some of that shit out of the corner.

Euro Boy: Nice drop shadow effect.

Cindylou: And I thought the Chippendale Dancers were extinct

Lisa: I thought Chippendale Dancers had no tan lines

SW: I wonder if his mommy, whose house he's obviously in, is aware of his little hobby or potential future job if he remedies that tanline issue?

Dawn: Same sex marriage opposition is heightened when the "best man" tux line is revealed.

Euro Boy: I would love to know what music was playing in the background when this pic was taken. Mambo? Celine? German Hoompa? They would all make perfect sense.

Cindylou: Truly I never realized how many men have a purple penis, and it looks like he has swizzle stick in there

Lisa: Well now I guess I know where that term "choking the chicken" comes from!

SW: His signature pickup line: "Hi, my name is Harry Potter....wanna play with my wand?"

Dawn: Is that a drum in a corner?

Euro Boy: Dawn, If so what would be the message in cleverly encoding Drum Stick?

Cindylou: Fisheye Lens?

Lisa: This makes me think of Moby Dick.... "Come on girls, he's not a monster, he's just a whale. And we be whalin' women."

SW: This is from Chapter 7 in Perverts Big Book of Making One's Dick Seem Larger: Wear your son's tightie whities

Dawn: Do men think this is appealing? Is there a guide somewhere that men receive that says "You know what chicks dig? A bulge in some tight underwear!" Cause I am here to tell you it is not true.

Euro Boy: This reminds me of a cheesy ghost movie "The Frighteners"

A Variety of coverings

Cindylou: Is that you behind those Foster Grants?

Lisa: Remember when Marky Mark did all of those great billboards for Calvin Klein underwear? Yeah, this guy does SO NOT remind me of Marky Mark.

Marshall: It looks like his penis has been cut off and dropped into those drawers!

Dawn: Save that Gerbil!!!!

Schnapps: Safe sex or suffocation? You decide.

SW: This guy needs a whole body condom. That's alotta hair! Some poor unsuspecting woman may get covered in it!

Cindylou: Looks like it blew a bubble.

Marshall: Looks like he just bought it- still has the wrapper on it!

Dawn: SOOOO not digging the Starter Sport Sock directly below.

Lisa: That's one skinny pecker.

SW: I don't think this is the intended use for that little escape hatch in the underwear.

Cindylou: Really, why not take the underwear off?

Schnapps: Cindylou, isn't that what the little pocket is for?

Lisa: The reason he doesn't take it off is because he's worried his mom might come in at any minute to deliver the rest of his laundry to his room. He told her to use her walkie talkie first to let him know she was coming but unfortunately she sometimes forgets.

Marshall: The underwear is so you cant tell its a rubber dildo and not his real unit.

Dawn: Nah, I think the owner is asleep and the penis is using the walkie talkie to call for help.

Cindylou: That is the largest I have ever seen. Belly button that is...

Lisa: Ohhh. Nothing gets me all hot and bothered like a man with tan lines, little muscle tone and shag carpet all over his torso.

Marshall: The old "make my dick look bigger by wearing little girl's underpants trick"

Dawn: Jesus. Put your clothes back on and just start buying the cougars drinks buddy.

101 uses for a Mag Lite

Cindylou: the light is mightier than the... Is that a pink towel on the floor by his feet?

SW: I have the persistent feeling this is a police officer, and he's using his work gear for comparison devices. I don't think his commanding officer knows.

Lisa: Shiney! (Both the schlong AND the flashlight.)

Marshall: Before you get too excited- it is a Mini Mag lite-sorry.

Dawn: He's seeking women without any electricity.


Cindylou: I don' think you are supposed to be naked in that room, and keep on like you are going and you are going to need a bra for those man boobs.

Lisa: I never see stuff like that at MY gym. Course that's why I like my gym so much.

Marshall: NOW you know what they always have the signs: Wipe off the machine after use!


Dawn: Apparently we know what happens in the gym "after hours" - the all nude work out sessions.
Cindylou: I see a seven!! Creepy

Lisa: When Cindy saw that "7", those boxes and that carpet, she had a flash back to last year's office Christmas party. Then she shuddered and realized Pete was still taking casual Friday's too casually.

Marshall: Frank didn't really understand the term "Coming out of the closet".


Dawn: It's one hard rub from a penal embolism.
SW: Lay off the steroids, dude. You've had enough when you have no dick left to fill out your underwear.

Cindylou: Seriously, dude wear shorts and we can imagine you have a package.

Lisa: Apparently even black underwear is "slimming"

Marshall: Hurry up and snap the damn picture- I'm cramping like a son-of-a-bitch!

Dawn: I can only see the amount of television and computer monitor. Nice one room at the Y, fella.



Cindylou: Yes that is your nipple, and your hip but for god's sake put down the remote!!

Lisa: I get a strong vibe that this guy likes to pinch his nipples then say to his dates, "Do I make you horny bay-bay?"

Marshall: Is it Click Click Pinch or Pinch Pinch Click..I can never remember. Finally all that pat your head, rub your stomach practice pays off!

Dawn: Can someone please tell me what about being alone convinces men to put on their fancy underwear and start taking pictures?

Sir David Attenborough Presents....

Cindylou: I hope that isn't the good upholstery

Ash: Do they make a bra for the boys

Token Gay: Is he looking for chicks into teabagging?

Dawn: I feel like I am seeing some kind of bizarre spider's nest. Sir David Attenborough's voice should be coming on any second "And when the female Sac Spider has laid her eggs, she crawls away and dies."

Goddess of Madness: Do they over scrotal lifts?

Cindylou: Ummmm, is that the dresser?

Ash: Another one too lazy to take off his shorts.

Token Gay: Heavy boys don't take off the clothes, they're covering

Dawn: Its the angle thats fucking me all up here. Am I in the space shuttle, with zero gravity?

Goddess of Madness: I'm trying to figure out if that is a pattern on his shorts or little spunk stains

The Hip Housewife: Impressive, but the seersucker with the pilled flannel is a deal breaker for me.

Cindylou: at least he appears to be employed

Ash: That jumpsuit just makes me want to jump his bones!

Token Gay: Hi Honey, I'm home from cleaning environmental waste.... wanna have sex?

Dawn: He only totaled your car cause he really loves you.

Goddess of Madness: Crime Scene Clean up

The Hip Housewife: Independent acquisitions specialist working the graveyard shift seeks sex slave/lookout.

Cindylou: Damn i have those sheets, I will never be able to use them again

Ash: I can't put my finger on it, but it's just so wrong!

Token Gay: Oww.. that pokey thing would hurt? He could pick locks with that thing. I wonder if it would have looked longer if the lines were vertical?

Dawn: For some reason I am now thinking about those worms that crawl up to the surface when it has been raining...trying to escape their watery graves.....

Goddess of Madness: The horizontal stripes make you look... dude nothing can make you look better.

The Hip Housewife: Just think, he's going to put his face on that pillow later.

Schnapps: Now, if only it had a hat.

Cindylou: the nerve, a heart, a brain....We're off to see the wiz...

Ash: Schnapps, You could also use it to hang ties on........

Token Gay: I need a shelf to put my beer on

Dawn: Jerry liked to provide the small woodland animals with shelter, so he pitched them a tent. Literally.

Goddess of Madness: He's got sandwich meats in there

The Hip Housewife: Look Ma! No hands!

Why I never slept in dorm lofts

Cindylou: I don't get the plywood. Does he know someone is hiding there under the bench taking his picture?

SW: Was it too difficult to pull the boxers the rest of the way down?

Dawn: I feel we are seeing a massive failure of "dorm loft" technology here. I hope he has a money back guarantee.

Goddess of Madness: His camera phone slipped?

Cindylou: I wish my ass looked that good.

SW: I wish my husband's ass looked that good.

Dawn: I can not recall a moment IN MY LIFE when I got out of bed naked and then put on a shirt to go to the kitchen. I would worry that he had pee'd in my coffee pot or something.

Goddess of Madness: His cycling shorts tan line says it all.

Cindylou: I can't stop laughing

SW: Wrong....on sooooooo many levels!

Dawn: I oddly feel bad for this penis. Not bad enough to fuck him, but bad. Like I want to make him a cup of cocoa and be a life coach.

Goddess of Madness: He looks like he rubbed himself on dirty newspaper.


Cindylou: He must be drunk, he looks so fuzzy around the edges, even his art work looks fuzzy

SW: Is that a drunk Billy Zane?

Dawn: This is what he looks like after he has put the rufie in your drink.

Goddess of Madness: Fear and Loathing on Craigslist


Cindylou: But I don't have a zebra fetish

SW: I feel bad for that ugly K-Mart Special bedspread.

Dawn: Doesn't it hurt to lay on the penis this way? I mean, when I sleep on my stomach, I have to get my boobs in the right position to be comfy. Plus the head peeking out like that? Kind of makes me want to flick it.

Goddess Madness: Penis Yoga?

Homemade Glory Hole

Cindylou: This makes me wonder, Is there someone for everyone? Ladies? Is anyone turned on by this? Gentlemen?

Lisa: It looks like it is sneaking a quick peek to the left. If men actually could see with their penises, that would make this explainable.

Marshall: The inside view of Justin Timberlakes' "Dick in a box".

Dawn: This is not what the administrative assistant wanted you to do with those "end of the year" filing boxes.

Cindylou: I am somewhat puzzled, does he even have a penis?

Lisa: Wayne really wanted a date but had no money or penis. So he decided to showcase what he COULD offer a woman -- a mattress, an old pillow and a lamp.

Marshall: Mike loved doing his Jeff Goldblum imitation by recreating the love scene from "The Fly".

Dawn: His pick up lines include "I got a party in my pants and you're the guest of honor", and "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

Cindylou: Jason here really needs a woman, to help him decorate.

Lisa: Jason also needs a woman to hit him upside the head with a clue.

Marshall: It looks like Napoleon Dynamite drew him a portrait - it took him 3 hours to shade his upper lip!

Dawn: It's true Marshall, I think his bed is covered in "Liger" fur.

Cindylou: Tanning lamp gone horribly wrong?

Lisa: Yeah, looks like he ran out of sunscreen halfway through applying to the penis.

Marshall: The newest Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor- Neapolitan Cock complete with Nuts!

Dawn: I feel like it is only halfway through molting and we have caught it at it's most vulnerable.

Cindylou: At least he can provide dinner

Lisa: I bet he makes alot of jokes when he shows off this photo... You know about getting a prime piece of bass.

Marshall: I bet he whips this picture out before dessert and tells his date- If it smells like fish-I eat it!

Dawn: (Holding head in hands) Oh, Marshall.